It is I, Maris The Great!…I shall now begin your mortal interview! Now let’s see…the last time I saw you, I was very intoxicated after a stretch of drinking numerous shots of Crown Royale provided by Devil Driver. Did I do or say anything I need to apologize for, such as vomiting up brains all over you?

Alan: Nothing too bad really. You did leave behind a swatch of rotting flesh once you got up off the seat (in our van), but we febreezed that shit right out. Mostly you were busy holding the heel of your boot and asking how the fuck it fell off, and how it got into your hand…that was pretty entertaining (laughs)

Brandon: Even in your “well preserved” state, you were pretty much yourself. You grabbed my wee wee a couple times but you do that sober anyway. I know how hard it is to resist.

All too true, little drummer boy toy!… I do remember my Royal Mouthpiece putting me in your van so that I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I seem to remember one of you eating a tofu sandwich. What’s up with the tofu? That doesn’t sound very rock and roll to me.

Alan: Maybe it’s not, but i’m vegan and that’s pretty much what I eat. One loaf of french bread, one jar of mustard and a block of tofu all for 3 bucks can have you eating good for a whole day. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I suppose brains are free though, so that would be even cheaper…I, however, lack the zombie strength required to puncture someone’s head with me teeth.

This will change once I kill you and you reanimate!…Speaking of your van, has anyone in the band secretly jerked off, without anyone else knowing, while in transit to the next city??

Alan: Not in secret, but a couple of us had a contest to see who could cum the fastest…

You’re the third band that has told me such of such an event! Proceed with the details!

Alan: Brandon took the gold in that contest.

(Turns to Brandon) Well, you’re just full of alluring surprises, aren’t you ?

Brandon: Yeah, I guess I’m a talented masturbator. It was just that one time for the contest. I’d rather be alone in a bathroom instead of laying next to a bunch of smelly dudes. It’s nearly impossible to get a boner in the first place in that scummy van.

So, if each of you had to review Brandon’s wee wee for a national zombiefag mag, how would he size up?

Brian: It has a nice, solid form with two tone shaft and mouth watering mushroom tip. If you’re a gay zombie, you’ll love it! ( Laughter)

Alan: Actually i’ve tried to strike it from my memory, but I think it was pretty big, and for some weird reason – multicolored. Brandon has a multicultural festival of a penis.

Most acceptable!

Brandon: I’m glad you love my wee wee so much. If only all the ladies loved it as much as you do?I would be a very happy man.

Gary: Sikk? or actually, sick.

Intriguing! So, how did this band of smelly dudes come into being?

Brandon: Well the original lineup was a little different than it is now. But back then, I was in a rock band and all the rest of the dudes were in a punk band. I was 13 at the time. We were all young and still in school. We decided to form a “heavy” band to do something different. We did mostly local shows and some regional touring for the first few years. And now eight years later, we’re still doing it, except now it’s full time and we get to see the world just by playing our songs. It rules.

It’s also very dangerous as you will come to find out!…Does it ever bum you out that it’s taken this long to finally start getting the attention you feel you deserve?

Alan: Yeah, a little bit. Busting your ass for everything you get just doesn’t seem as good as having everything handed to you..i don’t know why… This way, at least I hope we don’t get as jaded as some others do by what we get. But yeah, having done this for eight years now, I think i’m ready for people to start taking notice, that’d be great.

Brandon: Every band has to pay their dues. I’m proud of the fact that we started young and spent years developing our sound and working hard touring as much as possible. I feel like we did it the right way.

What inspired all of you to want to be in a Metal band in the first place?

Alan: Boredom? hah, yeah kind of that and maybe a little bit of “why the hell not?” It definitely gave us all something to do on the weekends growing up, aside from watching X- Files.

Brandon: For me it was just exciting to be in a heavy band. I thought it would be more of a challenge on the drums. And Metal is just way more intense than what I had been doing so it was a nice change.

How does the band create songs?

Brandon: All of our songs usually start from a sweet guitar riff. Once we have a decent riff to work with, we build the song around that and develop the structure, work on other riffs and transitions. Once we have all the music set, then we add vocals. Obviously there’s more to it than that. It’s a long process for us usually.

If there was a conscious effort to allow Life in Ruin to take the band in a certain musical direction, what was it?

Brian: We just tried to write better songs for this record. We knew we wanted to keep the same idea but we took a different approach as far as better structure, more melodies and leads and more rockin’ riffage.

What was it like working with Jason Suecof? I hear he is an intriguing mortal.

Brian: He’s an absolute maniac. He’s was an awesome dude to work with. He encouraged us to push ourselves to the limits and to go to Steak N’ Shake as much as humanly possible.

Brandon: Yeah he’s insane but I love him. I miss our morning jogs! He made our record sound fantastic. Big ups to Seucof!

Isn’t this the first album to go to the U.K and Japan? Will you guys tour over there?…or have you already?

Brian: We fuckin’ want to go there wicked bad! We have been working for a long time to try & get over to the UK, Europe & Japan. We hope to be over there before the end of the year. If everyone in this band spontaneously combusts next year and we haven’t gone overseas, I’ll be bummed out. I’m wicked afraid of flying but I want to meet all the crazy fuckers over there that have gone out of there way to check us out and bang their heads while blasting the CD in their cars.

What was it like making the video “Anthem for The Unemployable?” Who came up with the story idea?

Alan: The idea was mine, sort of a loosely framed send up of office space or something along those lines. the song’s about the horrible fate of the working class grind and the terror i feel when thinking about it too hard as a potential future. filming the video itself was alternately fun and extremely boring, also very tiring. trying to “act” in front of the crew was pretty awkward too, but whatever.

Are you guys on two labels?…or what? Please explain this to My Greatness.

Brian: Well Ironclad signed a distribution deal with Metal Blade so they help get our stuff out to every one in the US. Overseas we are just Metal Blade and they must be doing an awesome job because we seem to be getting a killer response from people over there.

I know you all are Manowar fans. However, your connection to them seems deeper…What’s your connection to Manowar?

Brian: Some of our parents grew up with them. I took lessons from the guitar player and the singer tends to hang out at my house & work on motorcycles with my dad. For me it was pretty cool growing up around. I worked in their studio briefly but some sketchy shit went down that I was never clued in about. So pretty much we just use them for the list of things to come out of Auburn..like the first electric chair.

What bands are you all into that would surprise the average mortal if they knew?

Brian: Most of us listen to pussy stuff like Blink-182, NOFX and Fall Out Boy. We listen to a pretty wide scope of tunes.

Alan: Frou Frou and The Cardigans for me. It’s my way of seeing the softer side of sears after hearing nothing but Metal all day long.

Brandon:My favorite band will always be NOFX. I listen to mostly Punk stuff but I have a wide range of music on my ipod. I tend to listen to very little Metal when we’re on tour because that’s all I ever hear at our shows.

Why is the band straight-edge aside from providing the undead with organic nutrition?

Alan: Well, we were all “Edge” before this band, we just so happen to all share that. Growing up together it was easy to not get into the whole getting wasted and carousing scene, even if others around us were doing it. The way I see it, it’s cheaper and involves less vomiting to be straight edge. Sounds good to me.

Brian: If I had to spend all my money on drugs I wouldn’t have shit for equipment! I guess doing blow off a hooker’s ass, on a tour bus, sounds cool but I’d rather memorize a Musician’s Friend catalog and day-dream about the shit I still can’t afford.

Is there any political issue(s) that fire any of you up?

Alan: One thing that really angers me is when someone, say our bassist Gary, votes for George W. because they offered free pizza at the Republicans table. That happened because he’s an asshole, and because those Republicans are filthy, vote-buying bastards. Real things that bother me: racism, sexism, homophobia, environmental devastation, suppression of the working class, and the general feeling of controlled-ness and lack of freedom that most people experience in their lives due to having to work your brief life away for bullshit reasons. I just think we have a pretty warped culture.

If IF HOPE DIES could make a cameo in some classic, horror flick, which one would you choose and why?

Alan: I’d like for us to have been the hair metal band whose lyrics and music conjure up a gate to hell in the kid’s backyard in “The Gate”.

Following this interview, I will more than likely bite off all of your heads and discard your bodies at some undisclosed location. What do you have to say about that, mortals?

Alan: I don’t think you’d do that after all this time hanging out now would you? …oh fuck!

Brandon: Just leave my wee wee alone. That?s all I ask.

Brian: Eat a dick!