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Accomplices: Elaine, Andrea and The Iron Wolf

Photographs by Andrea of Headbanger Salon

Promo Photo Karen Jerzyk The Metal Union

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It is I, Maris The Great!...Something I overheard you all speaking about earlier is shaving. The Acacia Strain is made up of mortals that shave their pubic hair?

DL: I'm a huge shaver. The only thing I don't shave is my ass. I have a wicked hairy ass, but I don't shave it because I'm afraid of cutting my asshole.

Do you find by shaving your pubic hair, it makes your wee wee look larger?

DL: No...it still looks tiny.

Tell me about your shaving habits, Vincent

Vincent: I shave in the shower and yes, I do shave my asshole

How do you do this without injuring yourself?

Vincent: I just spread my cheeks apart and do it blind. I also shave my face in the shower. I do everything.

I see, so allow me to acquire information about the origins of your band. First off, what exactly is an Acacia Strain?

Vincent: The Acacia Strain is named after a circus in the midwest in the 1800's. It was called The Acacia Circus. Everyone ate the popcorn and got a disease..

I thought the name of the band had something to do with a mortal insect.

Vincent: What are you talking about?

You know, the insect from Africa?

Vincent: I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh...Ok..so it's going to be one of those kinds of interviews.

Vincent: I don't know about any kind of bugs. I'm from America.

Well then...how did the band begin?

Vincent: We all went to Kinder garden together. We made instruments our of cardboard and tissues. That is where we first began. We've been a band ever since.

Was the name of the band The Acacia Strain back then?

Vincent: No, it was "The Wee Wee Doo Doos" to begin with and then we changed it to "Playdough Massacre."

A most intriguing name. What were your first songs about?

Vincent:Our first song was about a girl we hated because she had koodies.

Biscotti (Jack Strong) was one of the last members that joined. How did this come about?

Vincent: He was a paratrooper. He flew into my house on accident. We needed a bass player, so we said "Hey, you have a huge dick, why don't you learn to play bass. He did and here we are.

Wait a minute. Your bass player has a big dick?

DL: Yeah...little Biscotti has a huge dick!

(Turning to Jack) Reeallllyyyy?

Jack: Yeah, it's big.

And you shave too?

Jack: Yeah.

Well, do you think that maybe the absence of pubic hair just makes it look larger?

Jack: No, it's still big..

Wow. How big is when it's fully engorged with blood?

Jack: It's about a foot long

HOLY THROBBING THRILLHAMMER! ...I mean...Ahem....do you think it just looks so big because your cadaver is so small?

Jack: No..measurements stay the same, no matter how big I am.

Being you look like a little boy, do you ever fear that female mortals only want to have sex with you because they have pedophile fantasies?

Jack: Well...if they did that would be messed up. Either way, it works for me.

Do any of you wish that your entire band were gay so that you would have access to Biscotti's large appendage?

Kevin: Well...if I were gay, I'm not sure I would like large wieners, because I don't like having my butthole ripped open.

I see. Well, maybe you should try it some time.

Kevin: Maybe Dan would.

Dan: I don't know. I'm a virgin. My mother will be reading this and she doesn't want to read about me having sex.

Would you like me to end your virginity for you?

Dan: With my mother?

No...you!

Dan: What's wrong with my mother?!?

Well...I...

Dan: Are you calling her an ugly bitch?

Well, if she has a vagina, I suppose I am!

Dan: You better stop talking shit about my mother!

Your mother is an ugly bitch, ugly bitch, ugly bitch!

Dan: I came out of that vagina and I'm hot shit!

Vaginas look like hatchet wounds!

Jack: (laughs) I think that's a great description of vaginas!

Then why would you want to put your wee wee or your mouth near one?

Jack: Because hatchet wounds turn me on

I see...

Vincent: No, you want to know what vaginas look like? When you poke someone's eye out. They look like gooey eye holes.

Well spoken mortal!