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Accomplices: Elaine, Andrea and The Iron Wolf

Photographs by Andrea of Headbanger Salon

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It is I, Maris The Great!...Now.... I've been made aware that Guy is a fragile butterfly and will only agree to do this feature if I refrain from asking him any questions about his wee wee

(Everybody laughs ).

However, that does not mean his band mates cannot ask some questions themselves. So.. .commence with the wee wee questioning - beginning with Brad!

Brad: Um....(laughs)...I don't know what to ask. I forgot to prepare one

( Leans over and whispers to Brad) You might want to ask if Guy is circumcised and how magnanimous his testicles are.

(Laughter)

Brad: So Guy, are you circumcised and how big are your balls?

Guy: No, I'm not circumcised. I've got some anteater action going on. I'm a lot more shaft than I am balls. There are a lot of guys out there with huge balls and I can't compete with these testicular monsters.

Most acceptable! Next wee wee question!

Greg: You gave Brad the question I was going to ask.

Grrrr....very well, (leans over and whispers to Greg) you might want to refer to the fact that Guys' package bounces so spectacularly when he jumps up and down on stage.

(Laughter)

Greg: Oh...OK...So Guy, would you like to comment on the fact that your package bounces spectacularly when you're on stage.

Guy: Oh, you must be talking about Ozzfest. Basically, we were often playing in 100 degree heat and I wasn't used to that. Pretty much for laundry, cleanliness and heat purposes, I would ditch the underwear and started going commando. I didn't realize it was spectacularly bouncing.

Tell him it it was a most triumphant bounce.

(Laughter)

Greg: It bounced most triumphantly, Guy.

(Laughter)

So now that we got that important information out of the way, I've always wanted to know where you got your band name from.

Mike: Well there's the fake answer and the real answer. Which do you want first?

I am willing to allow you to amuse my Greatness. Commence with the fake answer!

Mike: Have you heard of the "Brown Sound?"

No

Mike: The "Brown Sound" is a note that riot police came up with. It's a note that is so low that it will make you shit your pants and thus break up riots. So...what we did is come up with "The Red Chord." It's a series of notes that make up a chord that only we know. When riots happen in women's prisons, they call us and we come and play that note. When the women hear it, they menstruate on themselves and it breaks up the riot.

This story is offensive to My Greatness! I require the next story!

Guy: My answer is not as fun. The honest answer is "the red chord" refers to when you floss when you have gingivitis it creates a red chord. Or...if a female has her full flow, blood goes through the tampon and down the string creating a red chord.

That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my death.

(Laughter)

However, this brings to mind a question I have. Something I've always wanted to know is how do you straight, male mortals feel about having sex with females that are menstruating?

Mike: I don't mind it at all.

Guy: The bloodier the better (laughs)

Jon: I go on tour for eight months out of the year. So, when I get home and if that is happening with my girlfriend, it does not matter. Because eight months out of the year I am not having sex. As long as it's not my mouth, it doesn't matter. I'll get my dick in some vaginal blood.

Peewee!

Brad: The flow of blood out of a woman's vagina is completely fine with me. I will have sex with that, no problem

Gross!

Brad: You don't have to use as much spit. The vaginal blood lubes it up

Ok...stop, stop, stop! You win. I cannot go on with this topic. I shall now turn to the music. Ahem!....So, tell me about the beginning that would ultimately become The Red Chord

Guy: The band began in the usual fashion. There was a bunch of different guys, that ultimately became Mike and I. Ultimately that became all these guys.

Were you always the vocalist?

Guy: Yeah. I don't have any talent. I can't do anything else.

What's this I hear about you acquiring some of the band's song lyrics from schizophrenic mortals?

Guy: Back when I had a real job and when I was going to college in Boston, taking the train everyday, I was a schizo magnet. Not necessarily just schizos, but drunks, handicaps of all background, drug addicts...you name it, I just attract them. It's probably why you like bugging me so much.

Grrrr...

Guy: There's just something about me. So I worked at a pharmacy that was conveniently located by a halfway house, an assisted living mental care facility, a hair school and a train station. I dealt with a little of everybody. Even hair school brings out weirdo's. It's a sad, sad situation, hair school. When young females get out of high school (or drop out) and their parents or friends don't want to see them waste their life and not go to college, they tell them things like "you're so creative...why don't you do something like...cut hair!!." Yea...real bright idea. The average hair school girl get knocked up within six months by one of the fuckheads living at the half way house. Thanks for the advice, Mom.

So...how does this relate to schizophrenics?

Guy: It probably doesn't. But I took in all this ridiculous shit and chatted these normal, weirdo's up and made stories out of their lives and condensed them into two to three-minute, abridged versions for the songs.

Another thing I've always wanted to ask you is about the weird faces you used to make when you sang

Guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.

You used to make goofy faces when you sang on stage. But then you stopped. I liked it. It was nice to see someone not take themselves so seriously.

Guy: Mike told me I have to be more serious on stage

Mike: Everybody in the band has told you...

The undead are entertained by such tomfoolery. The Black Dahlia Murder would come out on stage with Hawaiian shirts and beach balls. They don't have any problem being court jesters. Why do you want to take yourselves so seriously?

Mike: The thing is...I think there is a time and a place. Some shows call for a silly presence. Some shows, for instance Ozzfest, I think it isn't appropriate. If we would have acted really silly on stage (when we played Ozzfest) I think it would have actually hurt us. Whereas, if we act silly at a small show, in front of the kids we usually play to, I think it's OK. Those kids understand that we're a little quirky. It makes sense. It doesn't make sense all the time. You can't do it every night.

Which bands made you do what you now do?

Greg: It's funny, because growing up, I listened to a little bit of Death Metal, but not a ton. I was heavily influenced by The Ramones and The Pixies. They are what made me start playing music.

Do you ever feel frustrated that you cannot get those influences out in The Red Chord's music?

Greg: Every now and then. I don't listen to a ton of music within this genre, but love what we play. I get my "ya ya's" out in other ways. I get to slip in little "Pixie-ish" riffs in here and there.

If the band were to do a cover from a band of completely different genre, who would it be?

Greg: "Big Shot" by Billy Joel

Mike: I've always wanted to cover a song by The Carndigans song. Strangely, they've covered Sabbath. They are influenced by Metal and we are influenced by them, so it all comes full circle.

Brad: Aphex Twin

They will die!

Brad: He...HE will die

Oh...He will die!

Brad: He's a very talented electronica musician.

Jon: The other day, over a warm, McDonald's lunch, I decided it would be great to cover Seal "Kiss from a Rose" I could see us doing that, very slow and brutal.

Guy: I've been listening to the new Muse as of lately. When I was in High School, I really wanted to cover that 80's song "Take on Me." (everybody laughs)

Tell me about the band's discography

Mike: The first one was Fused Together In Revolving Doors. It came out on Robotic Empire in 2002.  It was a very different lineup back then. We did Clients in 2005. That's it. We only have those two records out.

Guy: We are writing new stuff right now and will record in April at Trax East in New Jersey with Eric Rachel. Trax East was responsible for some really, really classic records from bands like Deadguy, Turmoil, Buried Alive and Hatebreed and did a bang up job of the first A Life Once Lost disc A Great Artist. We're stoked as all hell to be working with them.

Tell me about your label, Guy. When did you start it? Who is on it? What do you hope to achieve?

Guy: I want to get filthy rich and live like Brian Slagel (the owner of Metal Blade) and have hooked up cribs in Los Angeles. And maybe move out of my parent's house while I'm at it. I've been releasing albums since 2003. My current roster includes: Animosity, Architect, Behold...the Arctopus, Destroy Destroy Destroy, Ed Gein, Engineer, From a Second Story Window, Gaza, the Network, Paria & The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza. It'd be really embarrassing if I just forgot one of my bands. I think I very well might have one of the best rosters any label could ever ask for. I feel very fortunate to be working with such high caliber bands and some of my favorite, both on a business level and as a fan personally.