Drop Dead, Gorgeous

Accomplices: Justin, Linda and James Cooper, Laura Pray, Cassie Carlozzi and Caitlin Coenen.

All Murder Photography by Rebel Photo

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The Final Interview of Drop Dead, Gorgeous

Your band got signed very, very quickly after your formation. What kind of problems did this create for you personally, and as a band? What parts were easy and what has been the hardest in terms of adjusting?

Kyle: One of the main problems that we had as a band was the fact that we were all so young, especially Cooper and I. Eventually I was able to convince my parents to let me quit going to high school and to continue my education during tour, taking online classes. We were pressured to be on tour constantly, because we were so new and because we hadn't had a tour history at all before being signed. I think that the adjustments came very slowly and over a long period of time, so it didn't seem like such a drastic change to any of us, and at times, it still doesn't.

What methods did you learn to adapt to living on the road?

Kyle: (Laughs) We all had to learn to live without showers for days at a time. We also had to learn how to deal with each other 24 hours a day, which sometimes can still be slightly difficult. We slept in our van for the entire first tour and second tour, and if we weren't sleeping in our van, we were probably crashing at a stranger's house, on their floor. Pretty basic stuff for a new band, right?

Yes it is. So...how and where do you masturbate, while on tour?

Kyle: We call masturbating "sending emails." We call it this because it's quite humorous to see someone walk into the bathroom with their laptops(God bless wifi) and come out 10 minutes later (laughs). And we send emails in hotel bathrooms or showers (laughs). We try to make sure not to leave any of our men stuck to the floor of the shower, just as a common courtesy to others.

I would find it courteous if you did leave your men stuck to the floor. It would be a nice, nutritious pre-shower treat

Kyle: (laughs)

Some of you have female mortal girlfriends. Why have such a thing when you can have all the vagina you want?

Kyle: All of us with girlfriends have been with them for quite some time. Different things for different people, I guess.

It has been said that touring makes you grow up very quickly. How have each of you changed since you first got signed?

Kyle: Although I'm only 18 years old, I'm forced to live and act like a fully functional adult ever single day. I think I've grown as a person in a lot of ways. I guess just maturity level. I've learned not to get so homesick also, although that happens to everyone sometimes. I think all of us are pretty much the same as we were before, just slightly older and slightly weathered versions of ourselves (laughs).

How did the scene in Denver treat you before you got signed and began touring and how does it treat you now, whenever you return to play?

Kyle: Denver used to treat us much, much better before we left. I'm not sure why, but there was a definite moment where I feel that Denver had lost touch with us, and we had lost touch with the scene. I think that the last few times we've played Denver things have turned around. Kids seem to be coming around again and I think they're realizing that we never truly left home, or turned our backs on anyone. Denver will always hold a special place in our hearts. I mean, it's where everything started. Need I say more?

Let's talk about the album. What was is like working with Ross Robinson?

Kyle: Ross is insane. And very difficult to work with. He is very set in his ways and he doesn't like to think anyone else's answer COULD possibly be correct. I had a hard time working with him personally.

What inspired you to write a concept album about a serial killer?

Kyle: Stills is basically fucking insane. He doesn't think normal thoughts and I suppose he just wanted to express these thoughts in a socially acceptable way. He watches a lot of horror films and he really, really is inspired by Charles Manson and things of that sort. We all thought that it was a really interesting idea and we decided to take it and run with it. We wrote the songs on "WTAF" to reflect certain feelings and moods in each of the songs. That's something that I think is pretty neat.

If each of you were serial killers, how would you kill your victims?

Kyle: Well, for Stills, Dan and I, you have a whole album of ideas (laughs). We sat around and brainstormed some of the sickest ways to murder people. Care to borrow any of them? As for Cooper and Jake, I really don't know... They're pretty kind people. I just can't see them killing anyone. Jake really likes hockey, I think maybe he'd use a hockey stick? Or one time I saw this movie, or TV show where they held this guy down on the ice and shot slap-shots into his body/face. That might be an interesting way to pass someone along.

There are a lot of rumors about you mortals. Let me go down the rumor list and you can lie to the best of your ability, or you can speak the truth. Ready? Here goes:

The band threw Aaron out and has dropped the keyboards

Kyle: The keys aren't dropped. Aaron made a personal decision to leave. In the end, the decision was best for both parties. We have a new keyboard player who hopefully will become a full-time member. His name is Duck. He's from Portland, Oregon. There's going to be plenty of keys on our next record.

Kyle is addicted to Coke (not the mortal beverage)

Kyle: Kyle also has a personal life outside of the public eye, and whether or not Kyle did have a coke problem, or any other problem for that matter, it's really none of anyone's business besides his own, correct?

So, in other words, you're an out of control coke head, huh?

Kyle: (Laughs)

So...have you ever received dark-alley-homo-fellatio when you've been in one of your drug-induced binges?

Kyle: (Laughs) That's yet to happen. But when I do go on a drug-induced binge, I'll call you so we can get down to business.

Most acceptable! Next rumor...In addition to your coke-drenched life, you're known for being voracious partiers, especially in L.A., where you are known for acquiring even MORE drugs, alcohol and vagina!

Kyle: At least no one is pregnant or dead, yet

Drop Dead Gorgeous is a Christian band.

Kyle: As much as the next.

The band is breaking up.

Kyle: Nah.

The band is having problems with their label

Kyle: What kind of problems? Drug problems (laughs).

One of you is secretly homosexual and wants to have superior-butt sex with me.

Kyle: Actually, I've head you secretly want to have butt sex with all of us at once.

That's no secret. Everyone knows that!

Kyle: Well Ok Maris...there are a lot of rumors about you too. Why don't you let me ask you some questions?

Because this is MY WEBSITE AND YOUR FINAL INTERVIEW!

Kyle: Are you afraid to answer some questions?

(Sigh) Oh Alright! Commence with your questions, doomed mortal!

Kyle: Are there drugs for the undead? If so, which is your favorite, and what are the effects?

Most of the undead spend a certain length of time letting go of the habits they were bound to when they were still alive. So, many zombies do the same drugs as you mortals do. The effects seem to be different, however. I never did mortal drugs when I was alive, so I have no desire for them now. That being said, I do take a variety of embalming fluid type drugs to insure my decomposition is slowed to a crawl. Alcohol is also the favorite preservative for most of the undead, including me.

Kyle: How's your acquisition of the entire music industry going?

Quiet well, actually. You mortals are so naive. I have a waiting list of bands that actually WANT to die on my site. I never had it so easy. To date, I have killed about 80 bands. I only have 1,294,930,937 left to go and then my band, Maris The Great and The Faggots of Death shall rule the world!

How do you feel about Panic! At The Disco's new single?

They are one of the 1,294,930,937! There's going to BE a Panic at the Disco when I'm done with that band, that's all I have to say about that!

Kyle: How are you at Guitar Hero? I'd like to challenge you next time I run into you.

I'm better at killing guitar heroes, than spending my time with your foolish video festivities. However, if I were to indulge you in such a challenge, I'd whip your mortal buttocks!

Kyle: Have you ever had sex with a mortal woman?

(Hiss!) Eeeeeewwwww! Female mortals are inferior to male mortals to such a degree, that I would be embarrassed to admit it if I had. Aside from the fact that vaginas are like kryptonite to the gay undead, vaginas look like hatchet wounds. Why would I want to get necromantic with something that looks like it needs medical attention?!! Penises are far superior. They are full of surprises, including spectacular firework finales worthy of standing ovations!

Kyle: What is the size of the largest male phallus you've ever received in any of your undead orifices?

Maybe yours when you're on one of your drug binges.

Kyle: Are you fluent in French?

No, but due to my long, slithery tongue, I am quite good in French kissing....So now that I have answered your questions, you shall now answer one, last one of mine. Fairly or not, most mortals lump you into the Screamo category. What will you guys do when this scene no longer is hot? Or...put another way, what do you see yourselves evolving into musically, in the years that come?

Kyle: I feel that our band is a group of well-rounded musicians and we're all very open to trying new things musically. With WTAF we stepped into some things that we previously hadn't tried and the record turned out sounding quite a bit different than a run of the mill screamo record. We're all proud of that, and I think we'll be able to continue to do the things that we want to do.