Horse The Band

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The Final Interview of Horse The Band

Normally, I would begin by telling you that MY band, Maris The Great and The Faggots of Death is superior to Horse The Band, but...I don't even know how to classify your music, to draw a comparison. Um...are we better than you?

Nathan: Your band is like god to me. I've never seen or heard it but people say its real.

The Earth Tour took you to corners of the world that few musical mortals visit. Was there a place where your music went over so well, it totally surprised all of you?

Nathan: I think that Kuala Lumpur was one of the super amazing puzzlers of that quest. It was on the third floor of some building with no a/c and it was full of sweaty half naked malaysian boys and between every other song we had to walk off stage and breath in this stairwell where fresh air was coming in. I whimpered thru half of Lord Gold Throneroom.

How do concert-going-mortals vary around the world? For instance, I hear European fans are bluntly honest about what they do and don't like.

Nathan: They must really like us then. HORSE the band should move to Berlin.

I'm curious about Australia. I always wondered if when you flush a toilet, does the water spin counter-clockwise?

Nathan: Seven. I mean...I don't know.

You would travel to such a place and not take notice of such an important detail!?

Nathan: I don't remember the first time. My detox pills were reacting with the Johny Walker Red Label I got.

Well I suppose I would only notice such a thing because I would be spending all my time cruising the men's restrooms.

Nathan: Who wouldn't? Turn off the water, go fishing for logs. Estestiopeda.

So you are aware of cruising men's restrooms? Tell me, if you were a fag, what kind of fag would you be? Leather? Drag?

Nathan: Robot slave boy

I beg your mortal pardon? What is this fetish you speak of?

Nathan: It's where the master electro shocks the slave's balls via remote, controlling him. Oh, and slave boy can only talk like R2D2. So, you're saying you are a bottom?

Nathan: Well....on the assumption that a dude couldn't give me a boner to fuck him with, I guess I'd have no choice.

How did your masturbatory practices vary in different parts of the world?

Nathan: They are pretty consistent since its based around quick, clean, secret method. Mother fucking Black-Ops Cock Walk, BITCh!

Have you ever masturbated in an unusual place, just to see what it would be like?

Nathan: On our first tour in England rather than have a bus or van we were shuttled around in three minis and and I achieved victory in the back seat of one next to Eli (our old drummer from mechanicalhand and pizza) while he was sleeping and Erik and some floozy he was trying to fall in love with was driving.

Lets pretend you were on The Earth Tour and you were scheduled to play in some kind of factory. In this factory, there was some kind of conveyor belt in the building used to move the products along when the factory is in operation. Your band arrives early and departs to see the sites, leaving you behind and alone in the factory. Since no one is there, you decide it might be alluring to dangle your testicle sack on the moving conveyor belt - all while you masturbated. You do this, if for no other reason, just for the mortal thrill of it. Suddenly, much to your horror, the conveyor belt snags your testicle sack ripping it partially off, injuring you, spewing blood all over. While the injury is not serious enough that you will die, you know you are in a serious shape. Considering your personality and what you have you learned while touring endless miles with your band mates, what would you more than likely do?

Nathan: Wander bleeding in the streets holding my shit together and the first person who approached me and seemed to care I would fall over at their feet and act like a little baby. (or if they spoke english I would have them call a doctor...or take me to a hospital....or get me some whiskey......or just fucking kill me already if they cant do any of that.

Let's pretend that your pending reality show becomes a mega-hit and you suddenly have major power in the entertainment industry. What would you do with that power? What kind of projects would Horse be involved in?

Nathan: I bojangle my way into directing a Live-action Hawkman movie. It would be like Conan meets star wars as directed by David Lynch if he was slightly mentally injured (ala me).

Allow me to now speak about your strange music. I think your sound is close enough to Death Metal, that a great many lovers of the genre would enjoy Horse The Band. On the other hand, there's a lot of purists. Do you ever get shit?

Nathan: More often than not. They seem to hate Erik's happy face.

I hate his happy face too. Metal is serious business. What the hell does he have to be happy about?

Nathan: Crushing the desperate fools on his mind...I think. That's pretty Metal.

I agree! What about band's you tour with. Ever have trouble with groups that didn't understand what you're doing?

Nathan: 90 percent of the time. Usually, they "hear" we are dicks. We're only dicks because we get treated like special kids all the time.

Wanna talk shit? wanna name names?

Nathan: That could be fun.

I'll go first. Silverstein drummer had me kicked out of the Warped Tour when I told him he was going to die. He went to security and told them he didn't think death was funny and needed me to be removed. They had to escort me out. To their credit, the securities were embarrassed and told me they couldn't believe how "Emo" he was being.

Nathan: Dragonforce put us in a broom closet with chips and water because "they're such a serious band." They hated us.

Oh yeah, I had a run in with them as well. I attended one of their shows. Their tour manager at the time invited me to a post-show VIP party. I showed up and it was a room full of beautiful female mortals, Dragonforce....and me! I heard later that they chewed his ass out for inviting me.

Much laughter

So, I was recently in Long Island, killing a band named From Bliss To Devastation. They told me a story about your band playing there and how all of you were laughing yourself senseless on stage regarding the world "chocolate." They wanted to know what was funny about the world chocolate, because no one got the joke...except your band.

Nathan: (Laughs) That's my nickname for my girlfriend!

So....your girlfriend is funny?

Nathan: No, she's not. The humor was the abstraction. I really love abstraction ALOT. Sometimes when you realize you're not entertaining a room full of people, it's funny.

I see. Why would you have a girlfriend in the first place, when you're gone all the time on things like Earth Tour, where you could have vagina in any part of the world you wish?

Nathan: Good question. I dunno.

It's because you have been brainwashed by this Chocolate, female mortals vagina!

Nathan: Ow!

So...was Horse The Band influenced in any way by Mr. Bungle?

Nathan: No. None of us like them.

If you were to score a TV show, keeping your style of music, what type of show would best suit your music?

Nathan: Reality tour show that illustrates our beautiful lives....with cash and prizes.