All Murder Photography by ePARILLA PHOTOGRAPHY
I saw an interview with you once, where you referred to working out on the road as a "prison-yard-workout." I thought that was hot. So, I'm curious, have you done any prison time?
Johnny Manwich: I have had a few minor run-ins with the law, including possession of a deadly weapon and assault, but have managed to avoid time behind bars. The workout on the road I referred to as a "prison-yard-workout," was on the Rockstar Mayhem Fest. We had a variety of shitty, gym equipment that we set up outside the busses every day. it was a pretty gnarly setup.
Possession of a deadly weapon and assault are two charges guaranteed to give me a boner. If you and I were in prison together, would we be lovers?
Johnny Manwich: Well, seeing that you are Maris The Gay, I'm pretty sure you would be one of those cross-dressing dudes that puts a mop on their heads and calls themselves sexy....
One has to get laid somehow. A mop is as good a place to begin as any..
Johnny Manwich: ( Laughs) Well I've seen "Prison Break," so I wouldn't be caged up long enough to get that desperate...no offense.
So, what you're really saying is, that IF you were desperate enough, you might want to boink me?
Johnny Manwich: (Laughs) Nooooo, Maris. But maybe your assistant ( the assistant he refers to is female mortal, Agent Jacqueline - ed.).
How do you stay fit, while on the road?
Johnny Manwich: On club tours, like the one we are on now, we go to gyms everyday - before the shows.
How did you get into being healthy and taking care of your cadaver, in the first place?
Johnny Manwich: I don't drink or do anything fun, so I started getting into the gym to kill time on tour. Now it's an obsession. I don't grunt or drop weights though. I'm not that cool yet.
Some bodybuilders are bodybuilders because they have a small penis. Is this the case with you?
Johnny Manwich: I am large and in charge son, ask your mom.
Oooh. Zesty. Cut or uncut?
Johnny Manwich: Proudly cut. Can't say the same for all of us.
You have a number of Chinese-themed pieces tattooed on your cadaver. Are you attracted to Far East art/themes?
Johnny Manwich: I really enjoy and admire the Samurai and Japanese culture. If the rest of the world adopted these ideals, we would be in a much better place. Instead, we choose to believe in a zombie-man that lives in the sky and does magic tricks. Real awesome.
Well now you just pissed off all the Christians. Do you have a spirituality or philosophical set of beliefs you adhere to, such as Taoism?
Johnny Manwich: Nah, I just live my life and try to be the best person I can be. If that's not enough, then to hell I shall go. Sounds more fun then heaven anyways. Gay-ass angels.
Why did Kristen leave the band?
Johnny Manwich: You know, it's been a while since I've been asked about her. Of course this jenky-ass interview would be the one to bring it back up again. She fell of a cliff and died, real tragic.
Hey, if I thought she was hot, then she must have been smokin' to all the vagina lovers out there.
Were you afraid the departure of her hotness would leave a void that would be difficult to fill?
Johnny Manwich: Eh, we actually wanted to fill the spot with a gnarly-ass, viking-lookin' dude and then post pictures of said viking man topless in the mirror.
But you didn't, and now I'm pissed off! You replaced Kristen with another hot, female mortal. How did Alana come to be in the band?
Johnny Manwich: I would not say she's hot, because she's like my little brother. But, we bought her off a Siberian pimp named Choco, when we were touring in Malasia. We bought her for two dollars and a cell phone. Strange day.
Figures. You know, bands tend to begin with a belief that the original members will always be in the band. Has it been difficult to continue over time, while changing members? How have you kept your vision?
Johnny Manwich: Fortunately, the original members I view as "key" members, are still in the band. I've always been the "leader" and deal with all the day to day shit. Nick and Nick have been the main writers and handle finances. Andrew isn't original, but he used to do merch for us in the early days, so I consider him an OG. Art and Alana are the n00bz, but I don't see them going anywhere...so were lookin' pretty solid.
For my last question, I'd rather ask you something about your penis, but I suppose I should pretend I'm interested in your new release, Against The World. What can you tell me about it?
Johnny Manwich: We wanted to put the focus into the energy of the songs. This album is more in the vein of our first release Decimate The Weak, so if anything, we have taken a few steps backwards - to get back to the reason we started this band in the first place - to have a good time.