Men have an obsession that the size of their wee wee counts. Does it?

LISA: No of course not. The only thing I care about is love. If I love somebody it’s going to be different with them. Having random sex is stupid and wrong. A big dick isn’t going to matter at all. It’s still going to suck if you don’t care about them. You can have frivolous bullshit – alley sex, and that sucks.

ELIZA: I like big fucking cock. My boyfriend has the biggest fucking cock I’ve ever fucking seen in my life.

How big is it?

ELIZA: Too big to describe.

SHERRY: I agree with Lisa. If you don’t love the person it doesn’t matter how big their dick is.

What qualities do you most like about guys?

LISA: (refuses to answer)

SHERRY: No comment

ELIZA: I like money and drug connections.

Are THE EMMAS a punk band?

LISA: I don’t know what Punk rock is anymore. I started listening to ’77 punk rock. I think groups like The Gears and The Ramones is Punk Rock. I don’t think like, Assaulted Affront or all those other groups are Punk Rock. So I don’t think we’re Punk Rock. If you play from your heart, you’re…just playing. We don’t even know what we sound like. You can’t call us Punk Rock.

I think you’re true Punk Rock

LISA: What’s true Punk Rock?

Well, some of it has to do with a specific style or sound, but it also has to do with disregarding the ideas everyone has about what a rock band is supposed to do or be. It’s about saying “fuck you” to those ideas.

LISA: That’s why we don’t have a bass player. Because everybody has an idea of how everything is supposed to sound. And I don’t think they should sound any certain way. If you like the way it sounds, that’s fine. I can’t play guitar by myself and call it music. I think you need at least drums. So we have Eliza. Then Sherry comes along and powerhouses it and it sounds even better. I don’t know what Punk Rock is and I hate being categorized as Punk. Everybody in this town thinks they’re Punk Rock…or Punk Blues, or Punk Ska or…Rock a Punk (laughs)

If someone asks you to classify your music, what do you call it?

LISA: Daster. We’re Daster all the way.

How did THE EMMAS come into being?

LISA: THE EMMAS were formed back in 1968, when I was born. (Laughs) I made a record called The Emmas with another drummer and another guitar player. Joel Dolenbeck- he’s a famous photographer from New York- he was my guitarist. We made one album, played one show, and never played again. Then one time my friend Stacy and I were at the Skylark getting wasted and I saw Eliza’s boobs from across the room (laughs) From across the haze of drunkenness (laughs).

Why could you see her boobs?

LISA: She had a little wife beater on…God this is a LONG story.

Continue

LISA: OK well, my friend Stacy was there. Her boyfriend was there too. He has a bald head and wears striped shirts. He was with a guy with a bald head. They both kind of looked like they were gay. So one of them says he thinks he can pick up on Eliza and he started to try to…(To Eliza) Why don’t you tell the rest of the story…

ELIZA: No! You tell it!

LISA: I don’t want to talk anymore!

ELIZA: (Takes microphone reluctantly) Lisa was having a contest about who could get my phone number first. I didn’t know about it. I walked up to go to the bathroom and this guy (with the bald head) starts talking to me. I thought him and his friend were gay. And he kept saying how beautiful I was. Lisa was like, scowling at me from across the room…

What happened after that?

LISA: I went over and told Eliza that all that guy wanted to do was talk to her boobs and that he was a piece of shit. And she was like, “I thought he was gay and the other guy was his lover!” (Laughs) and of course the other guy is Stacey’s boyfriend. So she walked right in front of the guy and wrote down her number for me. We started drinking together. I asked her if she’d play drums for me because I had been looking for about a year to play with people. She said, “I don’t play”. I said, “I don’t care, I have a drum set at my house. Come over and I’ll show you how”. So she came over a couple of days later, we got drunk again oh wait a minute…before that happened she gave me her number and it’s like one digit different than mine. I went home and looked at it all drunk and I thought she was fucking with me. I thought she just copied down my number and gave it to me. I thought she was being an asshole. So (I finally figured it out) and I called her, like three o’clock in the morning. She was still up partying, still drinking vodka (laughs) with her boyfriend at the time. And they told me they found a dead cat…

ELIZA: Yeah, a mummified cat

LISA: You tell it

ELIZA: Well I was walkin’ down the alley because I always dumpster-dive. And there was this cat in there that was completely mummified. It still had it’s skin, you know, but it was like, all dried onto it? Before the cat had decomposed somebody had painted it white. It had like, white paint flecks all over it. So I took it home cuz I wanted to take pictures of it. But I thought it was dangerous to bring it into the house. So I decided I had to camouflage it outside somewhere (laughs) So I ended up hanging it above my door (laughs) I was gonna take it down the next day and do a photo shoot with it. But I had horrible fuckin’ nightmares and went to work the next day and was like, freakin’ out. When I came home for work, I couldn’t reach it to take it down. So I’m like sittin’ in a house all day waiting for my boyfriend to come home and take it down.

Did you end up taking any pics of it?

ELIZA: We took it to the alley, like real quick and took a photo of it like attacking this Barbie package. Then we ditched it.

LISA: So anyway, a couple of days later she came over and started playing drums.

ELIZA: No, no, no. That’s not what happened at all.

LISA: Yes it is.

ELIZA: I went out of town

LISA: No you didn’t. You played drums first. You practiced…hold on…(passes the mic back to Eliza)

ELIZA: I went out of town for about three months. Lisa wrote me a couple of letters. And when I came back, she kind of innocently invited me over. I played around (on the drums) a little bit. She showed me this one, two beat. She said, “Just play that. That’s all you ever need to do to play in a band”. So I went home. When I came back, she was like, “Ok, we have a show in like three weeks”(laughs)

LISA: Like two months earlier, I had booked a show at Cricket on the Hill. It was pretty much a headlining slot. It was supposed to be for a pretty big show. And so I sprung it on her. (Laughs)

ELIZA: Tell how scared I was.

LISA: Well we had a practice show. We brought our stuff over here (7 south) and had a practice show. They filmed it. She was shaking. I was shaking too (laughs) It was horrible. All she knew (on the drums) was (mimics drum playing) Boom sha, boom sha, boom sha. So I did three-chord punk. I thought it sounded great (laughs) So we did that show, practiced for awhile and went and did the show at Cricket on the Hill. Played the show to like a packed house.

COOL!

LISA: And we didn’t fuck up once. We did it perfect. We were Goddesses. There was people dancin’.

That’s great!

LISA: So then, we thought we were the SUPREME band of the world. This guy asked us to come play at his warehouse. It was like a punk show at a warehouse. And we’re like, “Hell yeah!”. So it was a Halloween show. We got all dressed up. We went and got up on stage. We’re the first band. We put all our stuff up on stage. All these kids run in with like, anticipation on their face. And we get ready to start playing a song and I completely black out every lyric or note I’ve ever played in my entire life. (Laughs) and Eliza’s like, it’s OK, go ahead. And she’s like, Boom sha, boom sha, boom sha (laughter around the room). And all I could do is strum and strum (laughs) and I can’t think of a word. And I look at her and we ended it (laughs) We just got our shit and left. No one helped us out. We had to ask people to hold the door open so we could carry our stuff out. (Laughter) So after that, I wrote out all the lyrics of my songs in big letters on paper. And we plastered them all over the whole stage (laughs) ‘cuz I was so terrified of forgetting the words.

Tell me about some of your other shows

LISA: Well, Eliza and I played 6 or 7 shows. Just her and I. We always had a theme to the shows. We had a duct tape show, where we were completely covered in duct tape. That was cool. We played a show at The Lion’s Lair. I was super excited to play a show at The Lion’s Lair. I made a flier that said, “Come see our giant breasts” but the “s” got cut off, so it read “Come see our giant breast” (laughs) We filled up giant balloons with fake blood for our tits. We came out and did 5 or 6 songs. We yelled out to the audience, “You like our big tits?” and everyone’s like, “Woo Hoo!” and we exploded them on stage. Blood went everywhere (laughs)

If you had to recount your worse case of putting your foot in your mouth in your life, when was it?

LISA: It was Christmas. We were with this guy that was gay. I gave Eliza a Christmas present. And I was like, “That’s the gayest Christmas gift” (laughs) And so then I tried to cover it up by saying “No offense to any homosexuals anywhere” (laughs)

ELIZA: I can’t think of any.

SHERRY: There was this guy around town called Smelly Dan. Everyone called him Smelly Dan. I was new here, I just moved here. I just started a band and was meeting all these people. One night I was drunk. I go up to this guy and say, “Hey man, why does everyone call you Smelly Dan?” (Laughs) He didn’t know everyone called him Smelly Dan! (Much laughter)

Let’s talk about your music. Did it ever concern you that you play with no bass?

ELIZA: We like it.

LISA: We never wanted to have a bass player. You don’t really need…well now I kind of think you might need a bass player (laughs) Every time we played, people would say, “you really need a bass player” but you know, the only people who really say that are bass players. Don’t you think?

SHERRY: No, I think…

LISA: Oh shut up, it’s true. Every single person who says that plays bass. I think it sounds great without bass. If you want to play music, and you’ve only been playing with yourself for like, two years, you’re so thankful to have a drummer. Even if all they can do is go Boom sha, Boom sha, Boom sha, (laughter) Eliza has developed beyond “Boom sha”.

LISA: We had names of different beats when I was teaching her. When she started it would just be snare, kick, snare, kick. with no cymbals. But once she added the cymbal, it became “Boom sha”. We had all these names for different beats ‘cuz we don’t know how to play instruments anyway. We have one beat called “Sneaky beat”(laughs).

How did Sherry become a part of the band?

SHERRY: Well, I was in Rainbow Sugar. I had booked a show with The Emmas and The Pindowns at 7 South. I was all excited to play. And Rainbow Sugar broke up right before we played the show. So we were there (at 7 south) and I was upset at the way we broke up. It was kind of shitty how it happened.

Why did Rainbow Sugar break up?

SHERRY: Cindy just called us up one day and said, “I don’t want to play anymore. I don’t like the way the music is going.” Then she trashed each one of us in The Westword.

Was Rainbow Sugar a lesbian band?

SHERRY: Well Cindy is…. so I met these guys. And I’m like, “I’m sorry, we broke up. Blah, blah, blah.”

LISA: Sherry seemed like one of us from the beginning. She dressed really cool. She dressed like a cool biker…just weirder than anyone we knew. Plus she had a motorcycle. We had spiked belts. We all felt like sisters from the beginning. So we hung out. And then it came time for Eliza to leave for vacation. Eliza told me that she had to go out of town again and she was going to be gone, maybe forever. She didn’t know when she was going to get back. It could be a year, it could be forever. And so we had to break up the band. Things were really going good too. We were starting to play a lot of shows and things were getting better. She had to go on vacation

What kind of vacation?

LISA: She had to go back home…(whispers) she had to go into an institution (laughs) So she left for awhile. And we weren’t sure if they’d let her out…I mean, if she’d come back from vacation (laughter) So Sherry and I hung out.

SHERRY: I just went to a party and they both were there at Blast Off Heads house. We were just hangin’ out. And I kind of got to know Lisa. We went down stairs and we just started playing. And I showed her a song I was writing that no one else wanted to play with me (laughs). We were having a big jam session and kind of fell in love with each other.

LISA: So the three of us went to a cool Derailed show. The Pindowns, Blastoff Heads and Derailed were playing. I knew Eliza was leaving and I was WASTED. We’d been drinking for hours. Because I was upset, I had been crying. So I started beating people up ‘cuz I was upset. Anybody that was bothering us. Guys would come up and think I was kidding, so I would punch them. And they were all going, “That chick Lisa is crazy, she’s beating people up”. I was crying and I went up on stage and grabbed the mic, sobbing, “THE EMMAS are over!” So we were all drinking and I asked Eliza, “what do you think if we ask Sherry to play the drums while you’re gone on…your vacation (laughs) So we dragged Sherry into the bathroom.

SHERRY: I was afraid she was going to kick my ass. I had been watching her punch people in the face all night (laughs).

LISA: So we asked Sherry if she’d play drums and she said “yeah”. But I don’t know if she meant it though.

She was probably scared for her life if she said “No” (Laughter)

SHERRY: I had never played drums before. So I asked Sara from the Pindowns if I should do it. She was like, “Fuck Yeah!”. So then I said, “Ok, I’ll do it”. So then about a week later Lisa calls me up and says we have a gig at 7 South in two weeks. That’s how long I had to learn drums. So I’m like, “I’m not going to learn drums coming two your house two nights a week”. So I went and rented a kit and practiced at home. I had two weeks to learn drums and learn all the songs- which I hadn’t really heard before. She gave me a tape and I listened to it at home and at school.

LISA: Sherry and I played about 4 or 5 shows together. It went fine. Then Eliza came back. She was gone about 5 months.

ELIZA: I was gone for about 3 or 4 months.

LISA: So she started playing drums again and Sherry played second guitar. Sherry is better at lead. She plays more finger guitar. She took a guitar class.

How do you compensate for no bass?

SHERRY: I have the heaviest strings you can get on top and the lightest on bottom. I just simplify everything she’s doing rhythm-wise to make it sound like a bass.

Didn’t you have some shit go down with The Volts at Cricket on the Hill?

LISA: Yeah. What it was was a benefit show at Cricket’ for Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim had court fines he had to have paid. There was like, 10 bands playing. All these great bands played, one of which was the Pindowns. During their set they broke into “I Wanna Be Your Dog”. They were having a really good time. J.R., from The Volts gets up on stage and starts singing (with them) like, really passionately. And he goes kind of crazy. We’re like down front. Then suddenly J.R. kicks this Coors light I had just bought. It sprayed all over everybody. And all hell broke loose. They shut the place down. It was like, only 12:30.

SHERRY: I got punched in the face and had a black eye.

LISA: I picked up an ashtray. I threw one at him and it missed. I threw a second, and it missed. I threw a third and it hit him right between the eyes. He looked at me like, “Hey good shot!” So there was this article that said, “Some woman threw an ashtray.” I hate being called a “some woman.” They didn’t say our names. It was just The Volts this, the Volts that.

SHERRY: They didn’t even mention the show was a benefit.

Do you think the incident was uncool in that it worked against having other punk groups play there?

LISA: No. It was funny as hell. I was fine. It was really a great song. It started out really good. It just got out of control.

SHERRY: The Cricket’ over-reacted. Three of The Pindowns were working there (at the time). The next day when they went to work, there were notes on the registers “NO COMP DRINKS FOR FRIENDS OF THE PINDOWNS”: and “PINDOWNS WILL NEVER PLAY HERE AGAIN.” Just because they played on the night the entire ruckus went down. What a stupid ass thing to do. All of them quit.

Does it bother you that all of those bands are ‘86’d from The Cricket?

SHERRY: Everyone’s been 86’d from the Cricket at one time or another. I’ve been thrown out for trading bras with (my friend) Heather (laughs). We really like it here (7- South) I like the Lion’s Lair. The ‘Lairs real fun.

LISA: The Lair sucks. The sound sucks. The only way they can get people there pretty much is if they have a National.

Let’s talk about your music. Aren’t you in the process of recording a new CD?

LISA: Yeah, OK, the new CD. This band called The Barrys has a 16 track recorder in their basement. We’re recording over there. We don’t know if its gonna be a full CD or like a demo, but it’s gonna sound good ‘cuz we don’t have anything that sounds good right now.

What are the songs about?

LISA: None of our songs mean anything. Except for “Persecuted” and “The Crystal Song”. My old, old songs. “The Crystal Song” is an anti-drug, anti crystal song. I hate people who do drugs. None of us do drugs. Sherry did ecstasy once. I don’t care if others do drugs. Go a head, kill yourself. I don’t fuckin’ care. That’s what that song is about. “Persecuted” too. We got reamed because we were at this place and we had dreadlocks. Not these girls, but the people I was with. They thought we were smoking pot. And there were people at the next table snorting coke. All we were doing was smoking cigarettes. Those are the only two songs that mean anything.

What about “I Hate People?”

LISA: Yeah that’s straight from the heart. I hate people. People really fuckin’ suck. Same with “Blah Blah Blah”. My old songs. But all our new songs our really like…candy. I like it though. It’s non fiction and fiction.

What do you think of the local scene?

SHERRY: It’s very uninspired. There are too many fashion fags. Everyone just wants to sit there (at a show) drinking their beer and trying to look cool.

LISA: I totally disagree. There are NO fashion fags here. Everyone wears T-shirts and flannel. They all look like shit. Nobody does anything while they’re playing. That’s why we HAVE to do something. We’re gonna do something about the music scene. It doesn’t matter who gives a fuck how bad people suck. Let’s just play what we want to. We’re gonna do what we want and play what we want. That’s all that fuckin’ matters.