The only question really worth asking about THE SAD STAR CAFE is are you, Mark, gay?

MARK: No I’m not.

How do all my demanding readers know if you are telling the truth or not?

MARK: You’re just gonna have to take my word for it.

What’s the closest you’ve ever had to a homosexual experience?

MARK: I’ve had one with Kirk

What did you two do?

MARK: We fucked like bunnies all night long (Laughs)

KIRK: Yeah, I was in Mark balls deep (Laughs) But we’re not gay! (More laughter)

What about you, Todd?

TODD: Oh just that one morning I woke up and my brother was sucking my dick (Laughs)

OH! This brings up a good question. I want to know about brothers. Do brothers wee wees look alike? Or do they vary in size and shape?

SCOTT: The older brother’s dick is always larger (Laughs)

Tell me about your homosexual experiences, Jeremy.

JEREMY: Uh, the only one I’ve had is witnessing Mark and Kirk having sex together. (Laughs)

Wow, voyeurism is hot! Ok Mark, so now that we have your sexual orientation out of the way, tell me how the band started.

MARK: The band came about in ’98. It was started by a friend and myself who is no longer with us. It basically started as a recording project. We were doing some demo’s for Sony and Polygram. We weren’t really planning on making a live thing out of it, but it ended up happening. There you have it.

Was the name initially THE SAD STAR CAFE?

MARK: Yeah

Where did the name come from?

MARK: I don’t remember.

How did it evolve into becoming a band?

MARK: Umm…I don’t know

Well this is gonna be a great interview!

MARK (Laughs) I was doing um…what do you call it? (Everybody laughs)

KIRK: Come on Mark, spit it out! (Laughs)

MARK: (Laughs) An internship…with Sony! We had this buddy that used to come down and jam around with us. He was a college representative for Sony. His dad was like an A&R for the company. So he just ended up having us record all these things, basically a bunch of demos. As it ended up turning out, this buddy of mine that I had played with five or six years prior to this ended up coming down. We started rehearsing the songs, and one thing led to another and the next thing you know, we were playing live. Eventually I had a pretty nasty falling out with this guy.

Why?

MARK: He was gay (Laughs) No, not really. We just had musical differences. He wanted to go with a Jazz/Rock format and I wanted to go more with Pop Rock. One day he just decided to split, so the drummer and I just kept going. We took about three to four months auditioning guitar players when we finally got Kirk. That was in May of 2000. He said, “Hey, I know these two clowns that are brothers that would be perfect for the band.” So Scott and Todd came down, we practiced once, and they’ve been in the band ever since.

I’m curious about you guys (Todd and Scott). Are you a package deal?

TODD: Yes (Laughter)

SCOTT: I didn’t really want to join the band, but since my brother was, I had no choice (Laughter)

TODD: Actually we played together in a Heavy Metal band called Living Insanity.

Were you long hairs?

TODD: Oh yeah. It was Heavy Metal dude. HEAVY FUCKIN’ METAL! (Laughs)

SCOTT: I actually was considering having my two middle fingers removed on both hands so that I would always be giving the satanic salute (Everybody laughs).

TODD: So that’s when we decided that we were a package deal (Laughs)

Isn’t The Sad Star Café a little too light for you?

TODD: No actually we were all overweight at the time (Laughs) Living Insanity was kind of stamped out by the Grunge thing. I’ve always enjoyed all types of music. I played with Kirk for a very short time in a band called Two Fat Dogs.

KIRK: Sad Star’ had an ad up that said “Looking for a guitar player into Jellyfish.” That’s what got me, cuz I love Jellyfish. I also realized the pheromones that Mark was giving off made me instantly attracted to him (Laughs). We also both realized we’re both equally fat. (Laughs) So we decided to start the next fat band (More laughter).

MARK: We had auditioned like, 30 guitar players. There just wasn’t anyone that was really tasty. Guitar players are a dime a dozen. We were just about ready to give up. Kirk was one of the last people to come down and audition.

KIRK: I knew I was gonna get it. I walked in and said, “Boy, what a bunch of schmucks.” (Laughs)

MARK: Last year when our drummer left, same thing. Jeremy was one of the last drummers to come down.

Mortal Jeremy you already are in two bands that are much heavier musically. What drew you to THE SAD STAR CAFE?

JEREMY: Well, I’ve known Mark for many years, ever since I was a very young guy.

KIRK: Mark’s a pedophile (Laughs)

JEREMY: Yeah, we had something “going on” early on in our friendship.

KIRK: On the swing set! (More Laughter)

JEREMY: Exactly! (Laughs) I just came down and it worked out well. It was nice to play a different style.

Tell me about your other bands

JEREMY: One is called Synthetic Delusion. It’s way heavy Nu Metal, kind of like Slipknot. The other band is called Stalemate. It’s kind of like Deftones.

Did you have to re-think your approach to drumming when you joined this band?

JEREMY: Actually, it took quite awhile to make the adjustment. I’m really used to playing double-kick. I had to get away from that. There’s a whole different feel to playing this kind of music, but it’s nice and beneficial to my playing.

So being Jeremy is a flaky bitch unable to commit to one band, what happens when he drops you guys in favor of one of his other bands?

KIRK: We will rape his dead body (Laughs).

Tell me about the first CD, Memoirs from…

MARK: The first album was again, just this recording project I mentioned. It was basically my guitar player Buddy Chris and myself. The Drummer from Opie Gone Bad played on a couple of songs. The drummer from The Kenny Cox band played on a couple of songs. None of the current band played on it. It was just basically my guitar player, myself and a plethora of great local musicians.

What did this band bring to those arrangements style-wise?

MARK: They brought balls. There is a song on that album called “Aerial View” that we will most likely re-record for the new album. We only do three of those songs from the first album live. We do “Aerial View,” “Mexico,” and “If you only knew.”

Tell me about “Happy?”

KIRK: Todd and Scott came in half way through that album, so there wasn’t as much continuity as there could have been. It sounds really good but there is a lot more personality in the songs as we do them now. The album was stuff we were working on with the old bass player, Casey and the old drummer, Steve. It was while we were recording those tunes that we realized member changes were needed. So both Todd and Scott came in and finished it off. There’s only two tunes in there that were written with the whole band. “Bring Me Down” and “The Ballad of Katie.” Those songs are closer to what we’re doing now. “Woman Out There” is a good song, it’s just very different from what this band does now.

What’s the new stuff like?

KIRK: Everything is going in a heavier direction. It’s not Metal, but it’s certainly not light pop.

When you come across people who have never heard the band, how to you classify the music?

MARK: I call it alternative college rock stuff.

KIRK: No, it’s “Jet fueled homo rock.” (Everybody laughs)

MARK: We are just starting pre production for the new CD. We are gonna record it here at the practice space and see how things turn out. We have eight new songs and the one we’re re-recording from the first album. These songs are so much heavier and ballsier. This is really the first real writing experience we’ve had all together, but it feels really good. We have a really good creative chemistry together.

What are some of the new song titles?

MARK: There’s a new song called “Déjà Vu” that we debuted at our show last night that is very cool. We also have a really upbeat, Pop Punk song called “So Alone” that everyone really seemed to enjoy last night as well.

I have a masturbation question. When you jerk off, are you more of a dribbler, a gusher or a spurter?

MARK: I am definitely a gusher

SCOTT: I’m a spurter

How many times do you spurt?

SCOTT: Well, it depends on the picture (Laughs) but usually anywhere between three to seven spurts.

Have you ever spurted past your?

SCOTT: Yeah, I’ve hit the wall behind my head before

Wow, that’s hot. Ok, here we go with the brother comparison thing again. Is spurting something that runs in the family, Todd?

TODD: I guess it must

So you’re a spurter too?

TODD: Oh yeah, totally. I killed a mouse when it was running across the room once (Much laughter)

JEREMY: I would say I’m kind of like a fire hose (Laughs).

KIRK: Well it depends on the way I hold my nuts. If I hold them right, it will shoot out (Laughs).

Is your penis straight or does it have a curve to it?

KIRK: I’m hitchhiking a bit. I’m hanging a lefty.

So you’re great at screwing around corners?

KIRK: Fuck yeah! (He gets up and gives a visual demonstration with his body, at which time everybody laughs hysterically) I’ve found it touches the G-spot in most animals. (More laughter).

Where’s the most unusual place you’ve ever masturbated?

KIRK: On a bus. (Laughs)

MARK: Mine was in a Denny’s. I had this girlfriend that was like a sex maniac. She had a hole cut in every pair of pants she owned so that she could masturbate anywhere she went. She talked me into jerking off with her in Denny’s once.

Wow! Tell me some dirt on each other

TODD: Kirk is pretty much everybody’s big fat bitch in this band (laughs). Actually, the truth is he’s one of the most amazing songwriters I’ve ever come across.

MARK: Every time I come up with an idea or bring a new song to the band, Kirk just HAS TO change something. He’ll be like “No, this has to be like this way.” He wants to change it just so he can say he fuckin’ changed it. (Laughs)

KIRK: Well if you knew how to write a song in the first place, I wouldn’t have to start rearranging the motherfucker! (Laughs) Mark is always late. He’s whiney. He’s always limping or complaining about something. We can have some fantastic battles because I’ve written songs forever and he’s written songs forever. We both have definite ideas about where we want to go with songs.

What is the greatest asset each of you brings to the band?

MARK: My fantastic sense of melody, because I’m fantastic (laughs).

SCOTT: My greatest strength is that I don’t bitch all the time like everyone else (laughs).

KIRK: You sure aren’t a good bass player (laughs).

SCOTT: That’s for sure (more laughter).

KIRK: Actually, he’s one of the best melodic bass players I’ve ever heard. He brings songs to life. It can be a really simple chord structure, but what he does underneath it really makes it jump out at you.

SCOTT: Ok, so that’s my strength then. I didn’t know that (laughs).

KIRK: I don’t consider myself a great guitarist, but I definitely try to concentrate on the song writing.

JEREMY: I bring a hardcore edge to the band. I bring a little more evil and “metal” into the band.

MARK: By the way, Jeremy is down with the Devil and so am I. (laughs)

TODD: I guess my biggest strength is that I’m willing to hold down the rhythm end of the music and not get in the way. Back in the ‘Metal days I enjoyed doing leads but now I really enjoy just stepping into a real solid rhythm.

KIRK: Todd is the solid part of everything. He is a metronome.

I’ve heard a great many compliments about you, mortal Mark, and your knack for promoting the band. Tell me about it.

MARK: The most important thing is you have to get out there and talk to people. A lot of people think they are above it. Whenever we have a show at Herman’s’, I’m down there almost every night, two weeks before a show, passing out no fewer than 200 tickets. I put them in people’s hands. You have to do stuff like that consistently. Give away free CD’s if you can as well. Still sell them at your show, but if you give anybody tickets and a free CD, they will come to your show. Unless of course your CD sucks (laughs). It’s also important to have fliers in every single place you can put them. If you can get a street team together for your band, do it. The more you can do for yourself, the better your band will do.

Tell my Greatness something about you musically that would surprise most people who think they know you.

MARK: I’m a huge Black Metal fan. I love all the new Metal too. Synthetic Delusion are gonna be awesome. They’re gonna kill this town. And they’re down with the Devil (laughs).

JEREMY: I’ve been in Metal bands since I started playing drums. Joining this band is a huge change for me.

SCOTT: For me it would be that I have a wide range of tastes. I like Vivaldi, Mozart and…well, I guess that’s all I like. I guess I don’t have a wide range of taste after all (everybody laughs).

KIRK: I’m a huge Country fan. And by that I mean old Country. Shit kicking, twangy, fiddle playing, steel guitar, shit on your shoes music. I love it.

If you could be any female pop star, past or present, who would you be?

TODD: Wendy O. Williams (Everybody laughs and agrees).

MARK: Joan Jett. She is just the sexiest butch dyke I’ve ever seen in my life. I love her.

SCOTT: I’d be Britney Spears so I could play around with my body all the time (laughs)

KIRK: I’d be Nicolette Larson – I love her voice. I’d also be Pat Benatar. I would love to fuck her husband. (Laughs)

Oh yeah! He’s cute.

KIRK: He’s a great guitarist, but she is a great vocalist. They work well together.

JEREMY: I would have to say Bjork. She’s my idol. She’s the one artist outside of Metal that I like.

What local bands do all of you like?

MARK: Rocket Ajax because they’re down with the Devil (laughter). Rubber Planet and Love .45 because they’re cute and they kick ass.

KIRK: I like all of those bands. I also like Paint, because the singer is funnier than fuck. They get wasted on stage, which is the best thing in the world. What happened to Rock and Roll? They are the one’s that promote it. Plus, when they aren’t drunk, they kick ass!

JEREMY: Cephalic Carnage and Angels Never Answer – who broke up unfortunately. They were great.

OK, it’s five years from now and The Sad Star Café is huge. You have as much money as you want to be creative with. You have a show at the Pepsi Center. What kind of show would all your fans be treated to?

MARK: I would have to contact my friend Charles, from Seraphim Shock to finally put our musical “Satan’s Follies” into full on production (laughs). It would be a great show. There’s all sorts of catchy tunes for the whole family to sing along with, like “It’s a good day to know the Devil” (Laughs). We would provide the music. It stars only 40-year-old retarded women that do chorus line dancing (laughter). It’s a prerequisite that the women have to kill at least five people per show (more laughter).

SCOTT: I think we would have to have lots of flash pots and throw machetes out into the audience (Laughter).

TODD: I kind of like shooting bowling balls out into the audience (laughs). Either that or have a patch of ice on the stage and shoot hockey pucks out into the crowd (more laughter). We’d put our name, THE SAD STAR CAFE on each one so it would be a nice little momento for people to take home.