WHO THE FUCK IS MARIS THE GREAT?

Maris the Great is the foul tempered, putrid, heap of gangrenous flesh heralded as the unquestioned leader of the gay undead; a zombie fag with a nasty disposition and a lust for mortal ween. “You will die!!” he growls as he lurks in the shadows, hunting the bands of the world, all in a quest to rid the music industry of talent which proves to be a competitive threat to his own group, “Maris The Great and The Faggots of Death”.

But it wasn’t always maggots and undead fellatio.

With his musical roots firmly planted in disco, Maris was originally nothing more than a normal, mortal, gay man who sang vocals for “The Heterosexually Challenged”; one of Denver’s hottest dance bands in the late 90’s. One night after a show, Maris went home with a stranger for a night of passion. Little did he know that the man he picked up was a zombie, and upon arriving back at his place he was ravenously assaulted from behind – all with such force that his head was ultimately pounded straight through the headboard of the bed they both were fucking on. Maris would have died there if not for the zombie ejaculate within his rectum, which combined with a slight perforation on his sphincter to invade his bloodstream and bring about his undead resurrection.

However, with reanimation came a new mission and purpose to Maris’s unlife. He stapled his gaping head wound shut, shaved his head into his now trademark mohawk, and hatched a new musical plan. Disco was out, heavy music was in. He would now force a change of musical direction upon the world. As the zombie virus solidified its placement within his DNA, he felt its inherent power surging with that if his own homosexual ambitions, and thus came to dub himself “The Great”. But he wouldn’t be able to do it alone, he crept upon his mortal band and elicited they’re allegiance to his undead cause. Thus, he set off on the path to take his band – now under the moniker “The Faggots of Death” – to the heights of rock stardom!

However, much to his dismay, he quickly discovered that it wouldn’t be as easy as he had originally thought. There were already other rock bands pursuing the very same goal. Millions of them! Enraged that a mere mortal group might achieve the stardom that he felt was only rightful to him and his Faggots of Death, Maris The Great devised a scheme that was certain to enhance his band’s chances of making it to the top: He would kill off ALL of the competition! With the lure of free publicity and the guise of promotional support, he began contacting groups to see if they would be interested in a round of question and answer sessions for his newly erected website, www.MarisTheGreat.com. Most of them happily accepted – eager for the publicity as they were – not realizing it would be the interview of their demise.

Word about this controversial new website spread quickly throughout the Rocky Mountain region. Some of the areas hottest acts started appearing on it; displayed in extremely bloody and explicit photos which depicted them “fictitiously” being murdered by Maris. Since no one could possibly fathom that such executions were real, no one ever investigated or even tried to stop him. As such, Maris became a local legend and folk icon – ultimately appearing on radio, billboards, video, and within magazines. By the time his devious and murderous ways were discovered to be all too real, it was already much too late. Maris The Great had, by that point, gone national, and had already put such heavy hitting notches under his belt as “Throwdown”, “Less Than Jake”, “Comeback Kid”, and “Bury Your Dead”, to name but a few. The last of these bonded so well with Maris The Great that they not only included the photographs of their demise in the packaging of their DVD “Alive,” but they also took Maris out on tour with them for Ozzfest, 2005. Once there, Maris made such a zombie splash that both MTV 2 and Fuse TV did features about him, as did popular horror rag “Rue Morgue” magazine. Upon returning, Maris continued his killing spree with zealous undead homosexual lust, quickly racking up well over one hundred bands beneath his belt made from the worn flesh of mortal scrotum. His Greatness was also pleased to discover that his murders were now being published in every issue of the national publication “Hails N Horns” magazine.

However, being undead takes its toll. While most zombies are lucky to last six months, Maris The Great had endured for 15 grueling and blood curdling years. As such, in 2015, after a decade and a half of death and debauchery, Maris The Great began decomposing at an accelerated rate. Knowing his days were numbered, he announced his retirement, but not before taking out Denver legends King Rat as his final murder. After their bloody demise was finalized, Maris The Great locked himself in his lair and waited for the end. And on Halloween of that year, he dissolved into a large pile of pink and green dust and a strong gust of wind blew his remains away from his home in Cheeseman Park. Denver sighed a breath of fresh air. Lives were pieced back together, new bands formed and slowly, little by little people forgot about the horror.

But nothing truly dies.

For the next four years, Maris enjoyed his new home in Hell, a place he describes as “Dark. And they take your shoes and scatter lego all over the ground.” He began to learn the ways of demonhood and embraced the life so well, that he was eventually decorated with the coveted “Eight Horns of Sodom,” an honor few demons receive.

But a demon’s true place of operation is in the midst of mortals, where he can cause the most suffering and torment. Once hell started providing wifi to the legions of the damned, Maris The Great utilized social media to begin communicating with the Denver local music scene once again. Any kind of return seemed initially impossible, but Maris studied the ancient scrolls and eventually discovered an evocation that might just allow his entrance back into the realm of the living. The spell was simple. Six hundred and sixty six pics of peen would have to be sent to Maris in order to create a vortex necessary to serve as an exit from hell. And it would have to happen prior the stroke of midnight on Halloween- the time of the great spiritual equinox when light once again floods the Earth.

Word quickly spread about Maris’ ambitious plan. But by then, it was a completely different local music scene. Maris The Great’s notorious website had fallen into ruins as had the memories of his killing spree. People assumed it all had been staged theatrics. Maris began a “Make Maris The Great Again” campaign, selling merch with that phrase as a way of lulling mortals into a false sense of security and fun. Since nobody could fathom the horror that had actually taken place years earlier, they happily bought the merch and began sending pictures of peen. Half of the required number was sent by the men themselves, the other by women – eager to rid themselves of the unsolicited dick pics they had unhappily received. Throughout the summer of 2019, the tally of peen pics grew steadily. Month by month, Maris happily posted a running tally – continually encouraging people to send more.

And on October 13th, 2019, the mystical number of 666 was reached and the door from hell was finally opened…

MORE SOON