It is I, Maris The Great! I shall now ask you questions. You will listen, think briefly and then answer my royal inquiries. My first, royal question is how did Ozzfest come about for you?

Nicholas: Basically, Ozzfest people came to our management and our label and said they wanted It Dies Today. For about a month, we were trying to figure out how we were going to afford doing this. It ended up working out. We made a deal with the label. We have an awesome team working for us. It’s nice.

Who was your favorite band during the tour?

Nicholas: On the main stage, Iron Maiden. On the second stage: Bury Your Dead or Trivium.

Mike: Rob Zombie was a lot of fun to watch. Iron Maiden, by far was the best of the first stage. A lot of it has to do with what kind of mood I was in. Some days I liked The Black Dahlia Murder, other days I liked Killswitch Engage.

They will both die!

Chris: Every single band was great and I like ’em all, to be honest.

Nick: Everyday was different, but was in awe every time I watch Soilwork.

Chris: Iron Maiden were amazing. I loved watching Bury Your Dead.

What do you think of Bury Your Dead being falsely accused of egging Iron Maiden?

Chris: It was ridiculous. Bury Your Dead had nothing, whatsoever to do with it. We were with them the night it happened. We would have known, had they been a part of it. It sucked, because they had to leave early one night because of death threats made against them. I think the whole thing will blow over, but Bury Your Dead would never do something like that. All of them are Iron Maiden fans.

Let me speak of your ironic, band name. Being I have murderous aspirations for you, Do you feel your band name suits you…possibly a little too well?

Chris: I think our band name sounds Gothic. It’s really lame, actually.

Are you a Christian band?

Nicholas: No, there’s a huge misconception about my lyrics. A lot of people think I’m Christian because of the way I write. Actually the truth is I just fuckin’ hate people. It’s not so much that I hate bad people or good people, I just generally hate people…and that’s what I write about. I’m just really cynical. In some of my songs, I might come off as sounding Christian, but what it is that I want is for God to kill everyone (everybody laughs). So…if that’s Christian, than I guess….(Laughs).

Are you a Straight Edge band?

Nicholas: We are not a straight edge band. We have one member that is. I was straight edge for quite a bit of time.

Why did you change?

Nicholas: I…just didn’t want to be Straight Edge anymore. If that means I never was…then I never was. It was a personal decision and under no one’s influence.

Was the original intention of this mortal band to make it big, or just have fun?

Nicholas: We were all in high school. We are all just like, “Hey, let’s do this band for fun, have lots of break downs and make sure everyone has a great time.” Four years ago, I never would have thought we’d be on Ozzfest. It’s kind of a trip.

At what point did you realize this was all getting serious?

Nicholas: When Mike joined the band, we pretty much started shopping the demo around to various, bigger labels. Then they started bidding on us. It was then that we realized we needed to take this a little more seriously and that we wanted to commit to this full time. I mean, we all kind of hoped that it would get to this point, but never thought it would.

Nick: I think this was getting serious when I quit my beloved, Lasertag job (laughs). I realize then I wanted to partake in this full time.

Mike: I used to record bands full time, but then I found these guys. Actually, I recorded them, at first. They bugged me to join the band for like a year. So I did, cut some demos and we got signed with Trust Kill Records. We’ve been on the road for like a year and a half now.

What has the mortal experience of touring in a van, for a year and a half been like?

Nicholas: It’s honestly not that bad. Steve and I pretty much do all the driving. I mean, having a bus on Ozzfest is certainly spoiling us, but it’s not that bad.

How and where do you masturbate?

Nicholas: We have jerk off Olympics, so to speak. We have contests to see who can finish first. (Laughs).

Wait a minute. You all jerk off in front of each other?

Mike: Well, everyone can crawl under there own blanket. Everyone can cover up. Many nights any one of us can crawl in the back of the van, underneath the covers and have phone sex with some special girl.

Do not ruin this hot moment up bringing female mortals! Continue speaking about your alluring habit of masturbating with each other.

Nicholas: Our last merch guy not only got the gold medal, but the silver one as well. He beat everyone twice in one sitting.

Your merchandise, male mortal participated? My Greatness shall now become a part of your road crew!

(Everybody laughs)

Chris: I fuckin’ jerk off anywhere, I don’t even give a fuck.

Where’s the most creative place?

Chris: I don’t even know. I’ve probably pretty much jerked off anywhere that you can think of. Several years ago we played a few shows in Puerto Rico. The whole time we were there we each had our own hotel room. There was porn on, 24/7. So at one point, everyone was hanging out in my room. We’re all watching porn in my room. It was late and I kind of wanted to jerk off. So…I started jerking off. This was pre Olympic days (laughs).

Nicholas: We were still uncomfortable about our homosexual tendencies…

So you admit of such tendencies?!..We shall engage in superior, butt sex at once!

Chris: So…just as I was coming to climax, I see a little Nick Mirusso at the end of my bed. I thought it would be a good joke if I got up and ejaculated all over him. (Everybody laughs). So, I get up to go ejaculate on him, he sees me coming and he fuckin’ runs (more laughter).

This is the hottest interview my rotting magnificence has ever conducted…continue!

Chris: So I jerk off all over my hands and I chase him outside. I’m like, “Dude, I didn’t really jerk off, it’s just spit in my hands.” So, he thinks he’s safe and comes back in the room. He wasn’t wearing a shirt at the time. So, I slap him on the back and smear all the cum all over his back, arms and neck.

(Everybody laughs)

Nick: I hate you.

(Everybody laughs)

Chris: Here’s another jerk off story. Nicholas and I were doing our laundry at a Motel 6 one day. We decided to have a jerk off competition in the laundry room (laughs). So, this is like a public area where people are walking by and shit. So, I’m kind of keeping a look out on one side of the door and he’s keeping a look out on the other side of the door. So, we see this dude coming along and we stop so he can’t see us doing it. But I didn’t really say anything to little Nick, so this dude comes by and there’s little Nick in the corner, with his dick out at the wall, fuckin’ jerking off. (Even more laughter) It was totally obvious. The dude stands there for a minute and gives us a really, fuckin’ dirty look and then walks away (laughter).

My Greatness cannot handle anymore…allow me to compose myself…ahem!…So…how has the music evolved over time? Was there clean singing in the beginning?

Nicholas: There was singing in the beginning, but we try to make it more the forefront. We’ve always liked hooks and we’ve always liked singing and made it a part of what we do. We just have more structure now. Instead of just throwing a random, singing part in a song, there’s going to be a hook. It has to make sense in the song. We haven’t changed that much. I think we’ve gotten heavier.

How do you see The Caitiff Choir in retrospect?

Nicholas: There’s still songs on it that I can listen to. I think we can write a much better record and I think that’s what we are going to do. However, I’m still pretty much happy with it. We have two videos out from it and just shot a new one for “Severed Ties Yield Severed Heads.”

How will the music be different the next time you record?

Nicholas: It’s going to be definitely us, but I think it’s going to be darker sounding. I think everything will be textured and more layered. It will be heavier, but also very melodic at the same time. We might experiment more with electronics, or stuff like that.

If changing your sound into something much more poppy meant selling a million albums, would you be down for it?

Nicholas: It all depends on what day of the week you ask me and how bummed out I am about us being fuckin’ broke (laughs).

Mike: You know, selling lots and lots of records is not really that important to me. You know, I’m happy with being poor for the rest of my life as long as I’m happy. I really like the music we are doing right now and I’m sure I’ll like what we do in the future too. I think we want to expand as much as possible. We don’t want to stay only in the Hardcore or the Metal scene. We want to branch out to everybody.

Nicholas: I think the greatest song writers are the one’s that can reach out and connect with everybody. A great song is one that everybody can relate to in their own way.

What’s the coolest thing that has happened to you, while you’ve been in this band?

Mike: The reason I started playing guitar was because of Dino Cazares of Fear Factory. He’s like my guitar hero. A couple of month’s ago, we were just hanging out at The Rainbow, out in LA This guy taps me on the shoulder and says “Hey Mike.” I turn around and it’s him. He took me outside to sign some autographs (Laughs). It was the most bizarre thing ever.

Chris: The coolest thing that has happened to me in this band is that I get laid…sometimes (Laughs). No…I meet lots of cool people all the time, and hang out with lots of guys…which gets very naughty (more laughter).

Oooh, sizzle!

Nick: For me, being at Ozzfest has been the coolest thing that has every happened to me while being in this band. I mean, the first, heavy video I ever saw, that got me into heavy music, was Ozzfest ’96. Earth Crisis, Sepultura, Coal Chamber – it wasn’t even that big of a lineup. But at the time, I was listening to Offspring and Green Day. And suddenly, I was checking out this other genre of music which has become such a big part of my life. Being at Ozzfest has been the pinnacle. It’s been the greatest experience, thus yet. That…and meeting Will Smith…and Maris The Great!

You have spoken correctly, Fun Size!

Nicholas: For me it was was like, our first, full tour, where I had just got out of high school and didn’t get back until I started College, next fall. I had booked this tour with this other guy and the whole thing was sketchy. There were all these cancellations. Anyway, there was this one show we played, that I think was the last show of the tour. It was in Detroit. There was no promoter, no venue – nothing. Yet, there was like over 100 kids waiting for us. All the kids got together and made this show happen in this one kids back yard. I couldn’t believe it. There was this big caravan heading to this kids back yard. For me, the fact that those kids cared that much about seeing a band play, meant so much to me. It was absolutely awesome. That is probably the coolest thing that has ever happened to me in this band.