“CRYPTOBIOTIC was a Utah-based Nu Metal band that I loved. I don’t remember how I initially got connected with them, but I killed them with the help of the reanimated Aggressive Persuasion (pictured here with me, killing the band).

CRYPTOBIOTIC liked to PARTY. Their craziness was legendary. Though they were all straight, they seemed on a mission to out-gay me. Whenever we were together, they did things like kiss each other and press their weens together, or bend over and show me their anuses. I remember one night, they had a “sword” fight over my face. Needless to say, I loved to party with Cryptobiotic.

This shoot turned out O.K. There’s a couple of great gore shots and some that were meh. But all in all, we had a lot of fun. 

The white-wearing mortal I’m attacking is Wesley. He was a little, furry hunk, who would often strip naked around me. Though he is married and settled down today, I still feel I could get in his pants, if I applied the right amount of alcohol and sweet-talk.

~Maris The Great

THE DEMISE OF CRYPTOBIOTIC

“Cryptobiotic are a hard-hitting band from Salt Lake City, Utah. Shunning the Nu Metal label in favor of “Modern Aggressive,” the band’s eccentric sound and high energy performances have earned them the distinction of becoming one of the biggest draws in their home state. I would have remained unaware of them if not for the fact their popularity is on the rise in Colorado as well. After seeing them open for Aggressive Persuasion in Pueblo Colorado, I understood why. Cryptobiotic’s members are on a mission to dominate any stage they step on; committed to making sure once they step off, anyone in attendance is a fan. Made up of vocalists Willy Dalton and Nick Despain, guitarist Chris Langehaug, bassist Wes Nappi, drummer Nate Brown, and Chris Bingham handling tables and raps, they have been on an upward trajectory since their inception in 1998. After releasing two sucessful CDs, enjoying major success on garageband.com and and appearing on four successful compilation releases, the band quickly became too big for their own state. They have been actively touring all western states ever since, building their fanbase and creating solid relationships wherever they go. One of their first appearances in Colorado was opening for Rocket Ajax over a year ago. Since that time, they count Fomofuiab, Rubber Planet, Switchpin, Aggressive Persuasion, Sickbox, ION, Kronow, Rogue and a host of others as friends. They have been filmed by Colorado’s very own “Denver’s Heartbeat,” appeared on DenverLocalMusicScene.com and have a current feature in Throat Culture Mag. As of this writing, they have almost 400 shows to their credit, with no intention of stopping short of national prominence.

Which is why I had to kill them.

Cryptobiotic may be a force to be reckoned with while on stage, but they are no match for the powers of the undead while they are off. While it would have been easy enough to kill them all by myself, I decided to throw a party instead, inviting the undead and freshly reanimated Aggressive Persuasion to the feast. We snuck up on Cryptobiotic and killed them, dining on their Mormon flesh and slurping down their tasty brains in a frenzy of bloodlust. They had been packing up their van, preparing to head back to Utah after yet another successful tour. They ultimately made it back home alright, but with one difference: They are now undead and under my power. All of Utah’s music community is now doomed. There can only be one: Maris The Great and The Faggots Of Death!

Here is the final interview of Cryptobiotic”

~Maris The Great

 

CRYPTOBIOTIC FINAL INTERVIEW

ACT THREE

My first question is about your unusual name. What the hell is a Cryptobiotic?

CHRIS L: I was backpacking on the north rim of the Grand Canyon. I saw this sign that said “Cryptobiotic Soils.” It was referring to some mineralized dirt that takes like, a hundred years to form. I thought it would be a cool name for a band. I knew no one would ever think to use it. We were originally called Bone Daddy (Laughs). We actually had that name for awhile until we discovered that a band in California already had it secured.

Why do you stay based in Utah?

CHRIS L: Most of us have pretty solid roots there. It’s pretty centrally located too. We can go to California, Montana, Nevada…it works well for what we are doing. We also like it there. We’ve worked our asses off to make our scene phat for us.

So what is the scene like?

CHRIS B: It’s basically getting stronger every day. There was a time, a few years ago, when the Punk scene was really big. But things go in phases and right now our stuff is really happening. There is a lot of talent in the city. There are so many amazing musicians that it’s just a matter of time until it blows up.

NATE: I think the scene in Utah is excellent. Salt Lake is a beautiful city and we have the most awesome parties down there. People just love the 3.2 beer, man (laughs).

WES: The scene is great, but it all comes back to the ladies. We have some mighty fine women in Utah.

WILLY: The women there are ten times hotter than anywhere else we’ve been.

WES: There’s some good looking gay guys too Maris (laughs).

How has the Mormon presence affected the local music scene?

NATE: It effects everything down there. The lawmakers are all Mormon. There’s no separation between Church and State. The Mormons are always under pressure from the ACLU.

CHRIS B: While that’s true, pissed off Mormon kids are some the best fans you could imagine (everybody laughs).

NICK: A lot of the kids have to lead such strict lives and follow all these supposed “moral rules” that a concert is a great place to let it out. They mosh hard and yeah, they hurt each other, but it’s the time and place for it.

So if I were to come to Utah, what bands do you think would be worth my time hunting?

CHRIS L: Well first off, one band that is really doing some amazing stuff and are well on their way to getting signed is Sig.9. It took them awhile to get love, but now they really seem to be blowing up. K1-2B are some good friends of ours as well. Twinge, Liquid Friction, Unsound Mind, Flatline Syndicate, Jezus Rides a Riksha, Spit, Adapt…there’s more. I could go on and on. The great thing is we all our good friends. Everybody is tight. There is no bullshit. Everybody is willing to make the scene grow larger and host out of state bands. Because of that, I can bring in bands like Fomofuiab and Switchpin. The scene is all about supporting that. Rubber Planet came out here. Those guys are great and Brice is amazing. I hooked them up with the biggest band of their style while they were here. They stayed at my house. It’s all about building a bridge between the cities. It makes touring and getting your message out that much easier when everyone works together.

So how did the Cryptobiotic begin.

CHRIS L: Our original drummer Chris Lessing, Willy and myself began the band in somebodies garage. We got a bassist and started playing out. People came and went until now. Cryptobiotic as it is today is probably the tightest unit we’ve ever had.

Was the musical intent different in the beginning than it is now?

CHRIS L: In the beginning, the focus was just to jam and have fun. Korn’s first album was getting big just around the time we started. We have a style that is similar enough that people started putting us in the same genre. They would say “Sounds like Korn, tastes like chicken” (laughs). Korn is cool and we think they’re bad ass, but I don’t think we really sound like them.

WILLY: I call our stuff “Modern Aggressive” music. I really don’t want to put a label on it because we are always going to change. Evolution is what we are about. We are going to change with the times.

But in doing so, won’t you end up compromising who you are? What if flute solos become the next big thing?

CHRIS L: No, we’ll evolve in our own way. We are working really hard on getting signed. We took some advice from a high level, industry person and as a result have written some songs that have more of a mainstream vibe, but is still sounds 100% like Cryptobiotic.

Could you see Cryptobiotic ever doing a mellow song?

CHRIS B: We’ve done acoustic sets before. They were mellow and melodic. It’s very rare that we do something like that but we can do it if we want to.

I can’t imagine you working the tables in an acoustic set

CHRIS B: I can rap acoustic

How is it you joined the band?

CHRIS B: In Salt Lake City there is a down town practice facility. There is like, 60 – 80 bands that jam there. One of my buddies is a DJ. His band would practice down there. I was just down there, listening to them, when I met Chris. He found out I spin and he was like “Dude, you want to be in my band?” He gave me a CD, which I took home and listened to. When I heard it, I was like “Hell yeah! I want to be in this band!”

I might have assumed you would prefer to be in a straight up Hip Hop band.

CHRIS B: I’ve always loved Hip Hop, but ever since I first heard Rage Against The Machine, I’ve loved the aggressiveness of that style as well. I enjoy both.

How did it come about that the band ended up with two lead singers?

NICK: It came together a couple of years ago. I had a band called I.O.H. for about six years. I walked by Crypto’s band space and I was impressed by what I was hearing. It sounded like Tool or Slipknot. I decided to hang and check them out. So as I’m sitting there enjoying their stuff, their power amp blew out. So I was letting them use my power amp for awhile. One day they were like, “you want to sing a song?” I said “sure.” It turned out to be about three songs and that lead to guest appearances at all their shows. One day, I could no longer handle my own band. I was 99% of the business and promotion and I couldn’t handle it anymore. These guys gave me the opportunity to be in their band and I accepted.

I can’t imagine this went over well with Willy

WILLY: It was all good. It was a group decision, of which I was a part of making. Having Nick in the band actually helps me out a lot. I can step back and do more singing. Prior to that, I was doing everything. I wanted to do more, but I couldn’t because our live performances are so aggressive. With Nick in the band, I can take a breath and focus more on singing out a specific part.

Where did you start singing?

WILLY: I’m from a small town in Southern Utah called Minersville. I’m a punk ‘n’ roller. I pretty much learned how to sing while driving a tractor. I’m a good ol’ boy (laughs).

CHRIS L: Vocally, Willy can do anything. Nick brought another level of energy to our live performances. Other bands have multiple singers that basically just yell, but these guys are starting to harmonize through verses and choruses. It’s adding a lot of depth to what we do.

NICK: When I joined I was really careful that I didn’t step on anyone’s toes. I just kind of laid back a little and listened. I tried to match everything as well as I could. It’s in this band that I actually learned how to sing. I never considered myself a singer prior to Cryptobiotic. I’ve always been a Hardcore artist. I’ve always screamed and yelled. I got tired of it.

What is interesting is the fact you guys have good chemistry despite being from different musical backgrounds.

NICK: We all grew up different. I think it’s a miracle that we get along as well as we do. We love each other.

Nate, tell me about your background as a drummer.

NATE: I’ve been playing drums almost all my life. My dad was a really good drummer. When I first heard of Cryptobiotic, I was actually really young. I think I was still in High School. I originally joined a band called Unsound Mind and jammed with them for about three years. I joined Crypto about five months ago. Things have been really going well since then.

Now it’s time for the cuddly little teddy bear, Wes.

(Everybody laughs)

Tell me about your past as a bassist.

WES: Bassists aren’t that cool. I’m not that cool. Their previous bassist, Eric Small, had to move on with his life. They called me and that was it. It’s not that interesting. Basses are kind of lame (laughs).

What did you do before this band?

WES: My first band was called Blindfold 801. That was a lot of fun. I was also in a band called Spit.

NICK: The great thing about Wes was that when he joined, he took the stage energy up to the next level.

CHRIS L: We loved our original bassist Eric Small. He was a helluva guy and we loved him to death. He had a family and eventually, he had to choose that life or this. He chose his family and we have nothing but respect for him. The transition from Eric to Wes went very smoothly. In fact, when Wes first joined the band, they would practice together. Wes has filled the role on so many levels. He makes us laugh sometimes until we cry. Plus, as a player, he’s solid.

What are your songs about?

WILLY: All our music is written on a positive note to better yourself and not be a puss. Everybody has both good and bad times. When the hard times come, it’s hard to get through. You have to keep going on. That’s what our songs are about: Kicking all of life’s bullshit in the ass.

Your songs seem like they would be difficult to write. How do they come together?

CHRIS L: I come up with a riff and I work it out with Nate and Wes. Willy will come in with a main verse or chorus line. Nick and him will work that out together. Chris will then add his stuff. We tape every practice. We listen back to it and work on it from there.

With so much creative input, does anyone ever feel like they haven’t gotten enough of their own stuff in a specific song?

WES: That goes with the territory. There are six heads putting their two cents into one song. Not everyone is going to get their way every time. Anyone can suggest anything, but usually the majority rules. We don’t have problems with that. If someone doesn’t get to use their idea for one song, they can save it and use it for another.

NATE: I think we are still growing in our songwriting ability. I don’t think we’ve reached our full potential yet. It’s going to keep on getting better though.

I’m impressed with your ability as a band to work through problems and talk things out. I don’t see that all too often.

CHRIS L: We are like a family. You can’t spend as much time on the road as we do and not get close. This is not just a hobby for us. This is a huge commitment for for everybody. Sacrifices are being made. It’s very important for us to stay together and work as a unit.

NATE: It is just like a family. You can get in an argument with your brother and be mad at him, but it doesn’t last because he’s your brother. We have a beautiful friendship going on.

How do you maintain group mental health?

WES: We have a lot of butt sex.

(Everybody laughs)

NATE: I think one of the great things about us is we are all funny motherfuckers. We all love to laugh.

So, tell me about your discography

CHRIS L: Well, Willy and I are the only two original members. Our first CD was self-titled. There was 13 tracks on it and we released it in ’99. Since then, we’ve been on a couple of compilations, a digitally enhanced, split CD with Jezus Rides A Riksha. We put out over 5000 copies of that. Our latest CD, which is kind of called “CB” was completed September 2002. It really was just an eight song CD we were going to go into production with, but we lost our drummer and that held us back for awhile. We just went in and recorded three new songs. Most likely, what will happen is we will put those three songs with the other eight and release a solid, full CD. We also may just keep on writing and let those original eight go.

So, you’ve mentioned the desire to get signed. Elaborate on that subject

NICK: Well, there has to be the proper incentive. We all have our obligations back home. Even though we tour a lot, there has to be a good enough reason for everyone to quit their day jobs and do this full time. So, we’ve turned down the minor labels and are working the major labels. That is one of our main goals right now.

You know, Nick, as I sit here looking at your your little braided mohawk, I can’t but help think how cool it would be if you braided your pubic hair too. Have you ever considered doing that?

NICK: I never let it grow long enough.

CHRIS L: He shaves his shit, man

You shave your pubic hair? Why?

NICK: It’s great for sex and the women love it.

What about you Wes? You are all hot and hairy. If your girlfriend wanted you to shave your hair off, would you?

WES: I’d shave it off just for the hell of it, but it’s funny that you mentioned braiding pubic hair. As a matter of fact, I keep mine braided. (Laughs). My girlfriend loves it.

NATE: I have mine in dreadlocks (everybody laughs).

CHRIS L: I once tried shaving my shit for my lady and ended up nicking my nutsack with the scissors (Laughs). There will be no blades near my nutsack ever again. (More laughter). I almost passed out and hit the toilet man

(Everybody laughs)

Eulogies

“I’m sorry to see cryptobiotic die…However i’m sure Maris took care of them
well. Cryto is a fucking great band and Chris is the networking KING!!! I hope he can still help us out while in hell. I got their new shit while I was in California and couldn’t stop listening to it. I’ll miss them dearly”

Todd, ION

“Cryptobiotic were the coolest guys you could ever know. They are also the biggest party animals you could ever know.as well. I will never forget the first time I met them. I thought they were just sweet, goody-goody guys..I found out how wrong I was when they visited us in Pueblo. I will never forget how much fun we all had together. Cryptobiotic will be sadly missed. cocka doodle do!!!!!!!!!”

Misty Bryant Aggressive Persuasion

“What can I say about Cryptobiotic? They are a great bunch of guys who know how to have fun. It saddens me to know that they have passed away, but their music will live on through Maris The Great and The Faggots Of Death. I will miss those guys and oh yeah COCKAAA DOODLE DOO…. Houston we have an egg..”

Stevehed, Aggressive Persuasion

“Well….. at least the mormons didn’t get em!”

Dave Bryant, Aggressive Persuasion

“I already miss Cryptobiotic. Chris put us up in his house. He made us spaghetti and bought us beer. The beer sucked because all they have in Utah is 3.2% beer. I said “Chris buddy you have to come to Colorado. You only have to drink 3.2% beer on Sundays.” Well I should have thought before I spoke because now that gay bastard Maris has killed all of them just as he did me. The good thing is that they no longer have to drink that crappy beer. “

Brice, Rubber Planet

“If partying ’til 6AM was a sport these guys would have been gold medalists. Now that they’re dead I can say we’ll miss their music and what great fuckin guys they all were. However, we wont miss seeing Wes in his fuckin underwear or the stench of a whole house being inundated with drunken bastard beer farts all night long! Rot In Pieces Bro’s.”

Love,

Switchpin and Big Poppa

“An excellent all around bunch of musicians who strive on releasing their music to everyone. Their presence and loyalty to all the other bands shows that Their is a great appreciation for the heavier side of music down in salt lake city, and they don’t stop there. They have lots of touring experience and they do it on their own. They have a huge impact in montana and will soon spread more of the salt lake city style around colorado. So beware……..and show some love!!!!!”

Brandun Keck, Fomofuiab

“The first time we ever met these fucks, Nick had the best fuckin HASH man, I love these Utah folks”
Ty Fury, Fomofuiab

Special thanks to Stevehed, Misty Bryant, Ron Bryant, Brandun Keck, Catalina, Switchpin and Ryan Hetrick

Special effects assistance by Richard Valdez

Photos by The Guy Who Won’t Die

© 2019 Maris The Great All Rights Reserved